It's a...

GIRL!!!!!

Sofia & Sam have a little sister to watch over and we have another daughter on the way!!

We are very happy and excited but still cautious of course. I have lots of photos from the gender reveal party yet to download and will share how we told, soon! A few people/BLM's were waiting for this post so I thought I better at least say what we're having. :)

More to come!

Week 20

Wow, I'm more than half way through this pregnancy! Baby is active and kicking more each day, especially after a meal. Since we know I will be induced before 40 weeks I'm actually MORE than half way through! That is something!!

Today was our 20 week ultrasound appointment.  Thankfully, everything is very good! Baby measured at 12 oz (perfect) and all the major organs are accounted for and look normal. Placenta is posterior (towards my back) which might explain why I feel this baby kick more than I did with Sofia early on (placenta was anterior (front) with her which acted like a cushion). My cervix is long & closed- baby is not getting out yet! The amniotic fluid was good (not too much/too little) and MOST importantly- heart was beating away at 140 BPM. Yay!

Baby was very mobile on the ultrasound but cooperated nicely when it came time to take measurements, etc. We saw baby dance around, put his/her hands in front of his/her face, rest his/her hand on their forehead (was so funny- like baby was saying, enough already with the pictures! ha- wait until you are born baby!!!! don't you know who your momma is!!? ;)) The cutest pic is of him/her smiling.

We did get to see the gender and have a pic of that too, but that news will have to wait a bit longer- until after this weekend when we spill the beans to family at our football/gender reveal party!! It will be nice to share that news and not have to be so cautious about keeping it a secret. :) But anyone who know me knows- I can definitely keep a secret! So good luck to anyone who tries to take advantage of my pregnancy brain. That part is hard-wired!!

We discussed whether or not to have Dr. refer us to a perinatologist and in the end, we decided against it. Dr. left it up to us but when we took everything into consideration, the care we are getting (and will continue to receive) at his office will be just as thorough and attentive to ours and baby's needs. We're comfortable with this Dr. and he's allowing an ultrasound at every appointment from here on out.

So I go back in 4 weeks for the 'fun' glucose test where I get to drink the yucky orange drink and get another peek at baby.  After that I go again 4 weeks later (28 wks) for another routine appointment & ultrasound. The next appointment will be at 32 weeks and from that point on I'll go in every two weeks with ultrasounds and non-stress tests to monitor baby.

It will be up to us to decide if we want to do an amnio at 37 weeks (the soonest that they will do it) to test for baby's lung maturity. We would get the results back within hours that same day and would be induced the following day! 37 weeks puts us at the week of January 16th.

If we decide against the amnio, the soonest they will induce is 39 weeks. Hmm. Not sure how I feel about that. 39 is awfully close to 40. 40 is a number I am NOT comfortable with.

We discussed the risks and benefits of both options and will decide in the coming weeks/months.  One thing's for certain- assuming baby stays put & healthy until then, he/she will be born in January! (and not Feb. 6th, the due date)

So here are some amazing shots of our newest little one (minus the gender pic!).


2D profile pic of baby's face

From Our Rainbow

4D pic of baby's face, partial profile

From Our Rainbow

4D pic of baby's profile, hands & arms dancing around

From Our Rainbow

4D pic of baby's face with hand on head!

From Our Rainbow

My FAVORITE- 4D pic of baby SMILING!

From Our Rainbow

We ARE officially attached & are so looking forward to holding this living baby in our arms!

September 11, 2011

Where was I when the world stopped turning...on that September day?

Wow, ten years has flown by in an instant it seems.  Baby, assuming you continue to grow and are born healthy we will some day share stories with you about the awful day on 9/11/01.

Ten years ago we were newlyweds living in our first place together.  Your daddy was still taking college classes and I was driving to work when I heard something on the radio that didn't quite make sense to my ears. I flipped a few stations and the same thing was being said everywhere. The first plane hit the Twin Towers in New York City. I drove quickly to work and watched it all play out on the T.V. in our break room. It was all everyone talked about that day.

Daddy was sitting in class when the first plane crashed and his professor made a comment about the media probably just making a big deal out of something like they usually tend to do. Daddy (along with several others in class) decided to ditch class and see what was happening to our country. He listened on the radio as it all played out.  We emailed each other back & forth about what was going on and talked to family later that day.

I remember that evening having a feeling of shock and disbelief. We sat on the couch, glued to our T.V. watching them replay over & over again the awful sight of the towers and all the plane crashes. I remember the gut-wrenching feeling for all the family members who lost someone that day.  For months the country seemed to unite more than ever and the endless images of that horrific scene were on T.V., the paper, the internet.  It was difficult to look at but we couldn't look away.

Today, ten years later, nobody has forgotten all that was lost. Lives, innocence, security. It's a different place now, little one.  We watched some footage this weekend which brought back so many emotions. Daddy asked me to stop crying because he didn't want me to get upset at the risk of harming you. Listening to so many families discuss how this happened ten years ago but it still feels like yesterday.  I can relate because as the eleventh month anniversary since your sister went to heaven approaches it still feels like yesterday that I was holding her in my arms.

Some day when you're old enough, we'll show you everything about 9-11 so you don't forget either.

Hope

I've been following another BLM's journey of carrying a baby after losing her first and was so happy and relieved for her today to see her baby was born and is ALIVE! It gives me added hope that this will happen for us! It's something only fellow BLM's can understand- it doesn't seem quite possible after such a devastating loss. Here's a link to her blog for anyone interested in reading: http://angelarodman.blogspot.com/2011/09/bennett-william.html

Our baby is still kicking every now & then. It is becoming more frequent and stronger and I look forward to seeing him/her on the ultrasound again soon!

Sleepless Night

Last night I woke up around 2:00 AM with a sharp pain in my right side. It jolted me up & I yelled "Ouch" which woke up Tim. I told him I had a sharp pain and he told me to take some deep breaths & try to relax. I did that and tried to fall back asleep (the pain went away as quickly as it came) but it was so hard to sleep. I was filled with worry. Now that I'm almost halfway through this pregnancy I feel myself growing more & more attached. I can't put it into words but the feeling is so much stronger as this pregnancy progresses. The pain might have just been gas or round ligament pain but it still scared me until it stopped. I need sleep. I need to stop waking up every night around 3am like I have been recently. I need January to get here and for this baby to be born healthy!!!

18 weeks, 1 day

The past few days have been rough. As I type this I'm getting the tiniest little jabs in my belly from baby but it's very infrequent that I can feel movement yet. I've used my at home doppler the past three days in a row out of anxiety and fear. Last night I mentioned to Tim I hadn't felt baby move in awhile but he quickly tried to put my mind at ease, reminding me it's still very early (and most women don't start feeling movement until now-20wks). I just wanted one little kick for reassurance but baby wouldn't budge. I gently tapped my belly several times throughout the day, but nothing.

I went to bed but as I seem to be doing on a regular basis now, I woke up around 3:00 am. My mind was restless and the first thing I thought about was baby. Eventually I got up, grabbed the doppler and headed into another room so I wouldn't disturb Tim. It took longer than usual but I detected the heart beat. I was able to fall asleep shortly after that.

I'm very close to the half-way mark. Since I plan on being induced by 38 weeks I'm getting closer every day. I don't wish snow upon us but I sure can't wait for end of January to get here!!!

Scary Appointment!

I went in for my routine appointment this afternoon, this time just for a heart beat check & the usual weight, blood pressure, urine sample. I talked to the Dr. about feeling the first kicks yesterday and he said not to worry if I don't feel it often this early on. (Although he said he knows for me that's easier said than done)

I asked about seeing a perinatologist and after some discussion we agreed to revisit the conversation at the 20 week ultrasound. Ultimately, it's up to me and he will refer me if needed or wanted.

I told him I purchased a Doppler and he said it was safe to use but to limit to once per day. I told him I don't plan on using it unless I feel the need, so more like every few days. He agreed that if it calms my anxiety then for me, it makes sense to have one.

Then came the heart beat check. First he checked my left side, then the middle, then the right. After a few minutes of checking he kept picking up my heart beat. He checked my pulse on my wrist several times to ensure it was my heart rate he was detecting. By now, my blood pressure must have been through the roof. I could feel my heart beating out of my chest. I told him I was freaking out. I could sense some frustration on his face as well, especially since he knows my history. After much effort he said "we're going to get you an ultrasound, so you have peace of mind".

The ultrasound rooms were already occupied with other patients so I had to wait. Alone. Tim had to work late tonight and since it was just a routine appointment he didn't (and couldn't) come along. Panic began to set in as I started reliving that awful appointment when the heart beat couldn't be detected on Sofia. I had to wait what seemed like forever. Just enough time for me to start planning for the worst. My heart was racing, entire body was sweating and I was on the verge of a complete meltdown. I started wondering how I would have to deliver this baby. Would I deliver like I did at 40 weeks? Would they do a c-section? I hoped I wouldn't have a D&C.

When the Dr. & ultrasound tech came to get me I just moped back to the room. I quickly got in place for the tech to start. Immediately she said, "Baby is just bouncing all over the place!". Then she turned on the sound of the heart beating. A healthy 148 BPM. I just stared at the screen.

Apparently baby was just being very active and avoiding detection with the Doppler.

I'm pretty sure I saw a few more gray hairs in the mirror tonight. If I have even the slightest bit of sanity left after this pregnancy it'll be surprising.

Is it end of January yet!!!!!!??????

Well, at least I did get another pic of the little rascal. This is in 4D realtime. You can see the umbilical cord coming out of baby's belly and out in front. Next appointment is the anatomy scan at 20 weeks!

From Our Rainbow

First Kicks ~ 16 weeks, 1 day

I was at work today at my desk when I felt baby kick! It was more on the left side, where I detected the heart beat last night with my Doppler. There were a few distinct kicks (which felt more like minor bumps) then it stopped. No question in my mind that it was the baby. I'm so glad this is starting so soon. With my first pregnancy I felt the first movement at 17 weeks. Hoping the kicks/bumps become more frequent now. I emailed Tim right away to let him know I felt him/her move. He said it must be a late birthday present since my birthday was yesterday.

I go in for my 16 week appointment tomorrow but it's only for a heart beat check. My next appointment with an ultrasound is in 4 weeks, when I'll be 20 weeks along. We do intend on finding out the baby's gender then.

My routine dentist appointment for a teeth cleaning was today. When I first walked back with my hygienist she said she was going to do some x-rays but asked if I had any health changes since my last appointment. I told her I was pregnant and she said we'd skip the x-ray so it doesn't harm baby. (Which is what I was about to tell her I wanted to do!) So of course that led to the question I was fully expecting (and nervously dreading) to hear, "Is this your first or do you have other kids?". Ugh. Surprisingly I was able to tell her a summarized version of our loss without getting too emotional. She was almost in tears and was very nice about it. She then said she was pregnant & due any day and couldn't imagine what we went through. I told her that even I struggle to comprehend what we are still going through. It's too much to wrap your mind around.  We talked about that for awhile (well, she did most of the talking then I'd answer when my mouth wasn't crammed with dental tools) then about our pregnancies.  She also mentioned my dentist was also pregnant.  I later thought to myself: Thank God I'm pregnant too or it'd be really tough to have both of them pregnant, rubbing it in my face.

I'm glad I was able to talk openly about Sofia and this pregnancy too.  It is my life now, so I might as well get used to it!

Welcome

I started this blog awhile ago but just today made it public. Nothing fancy yet; I haven't had time to work on it much. I've added ultrasound pics and plan to blog throughout this pregnancy which will have ups & downs as we continue to deal with anxiety from our previous two losses. Welcome and feel free to follow along this journey. So far it has been tough but we're hopeful for a good outcome and that we will bring this 'rainbow' baby home.

10 week ultrasound pic

I didn't blog the 10th week but here's an ultrasound pic from that visit. Baby was curled up, sleeping:

From Our Rainbow

Week 15

This past week has been rough.  I've been OK physically but mentally/emotionally - it's not been great.  Up until 12 weeks I had been going in for ultrasound appointments every two weeks.  Now it's every four weeks.  My Dr. said I could come in any time for a heart beat check and I thought I could get through without it.  This week proved otherwise.  To call it a panic attack might be extreme but I definitely had my mind filled with worry all of Tuesday night and into Wednesday morning.  Such a mind game.  I hate that at this stage I can't feel movement yet and I sit there at night wondering if the baby inside me is still alive.  I decided I better get in for a heart beat check because there was no way I was going to think about anything else until I knew for sure.

I showed up at my Dr.'s office first thing in the morning and had to wait a bit but his dedicated nurse saw me and did the check.  I was so nervous that even when she found the heart beat & I listened to it I still felt scared.  It was a relief but after getting myself all worked up I bawled the whole way to work.  Sigh...

During my pregnancy with Sofia I had done some research on Dopplers for at-home use (but never actually bought one).  This time I decided I would wait until after the first trimester and if I still wanted one I'd buy it.  After this week I decided it was time to order! It arrived in the mail today and I was so relieved when I found baby's heart beat right away. It was in the 140's, just like at the Dr. office on Wed.

A lot of people are worried about how I'll handle it if for whatever reason I can't find the heart beat on my own.  They're concerned it will cause me unnecessary anxiety.  It's understandable however it is a very personal decision and after our loss it is the right decision for me. I'm well aware that at this stage baby moves around and it can take some time to find him/her. While of course it would bring me some worry if I didn't find it I bought a good quality Doppler, I'm past 15 weeks, and I made the decision that if I don't find it and I'm concerned that I'll simply go to the Dr. as soon as I can get in.  The peace of mind it will give me far outweighs the anxiety of waiting 4 weeks wondering if baby is OK.

The first time I felt movement while pregnant with Sofia was at 17 weeks so I imagine it will be anytime with this one.  They say it is felt sooner with subsequent pregnancies so I'm just waiting.  I have felt a few things that MIGHT be baby but it's so hard to know if it is just gas bubbles or food digesting, etc. I still remember feeling Sofia move for the first time.  I was getting ready for work and gently tapped on my belly.  She tapped back! From then on I knew what that feeling was like.  I'm so ready to feel that again!  And I occasionally tap to see if this one will respond in the same manner.

12 Weeks 2 Days - NT Scan

Today was our 12 week appointment for the NT scan. (See definition here.)  Thank God everything was great.  Baby measured on target and the NT scan & blood test results gave us a negative (which is good!).  It isn't 100% foolproof but the chances of chromosomal defects is very low based on the tests.  We never did these tests with Sofia but this time around we just decided it would be good to know one way or the other and it meant getting another ultrasound which was equally reassuring.

Baby's heartbeat was 158 bpm and looked "perfect".  The ultrasound tech switched between 2D and 3D so we were able to see baby in both points of view.  After she was done doing all the required measurements she decided to "play" as she put it...which meant we were able to see baby longer.  At first I was nervous because baby was just sitting motionless.  The tech suggested that baby was sleeping so she prodded him/her awake.  Sigh-relief! Then baby did some funny dancing in there.  It looked like a clay animation.  So interesting to watch since we didn't have the 3D ultrasound with Sofia, and never had an ultrasound at 12 weeks before, when baby has plenty of room to bounce around. Just as the tech was about to finish and as I started speaking, baby stuck out his/her tongue! It was pretty funny to see.  We left with 6 ultrasound photos and a DVD of the entire session. We've already watched it on the big screen.

This is starting to feel more real and I'm hopeful we will bring this baby home in January.

3d image of baby 'sitting' upright:

From Our Rainbow

3D image of baby curled up:

From Our Rainbow

2D image of baby's profile & tongue sticking out:

From Our Rainbow

2D image of baby's profile and arm in the shot:

From Our Rainbow

8 Weeks

Today is 8 weeks since my LMP, May 2nd. I'm kind of surprised I made it to this point really.  I'm very anxious for Wednesday to get here, so I can have the second ultrasound and see if baby has been growing appropriately.  I'm scared.  I'm anxious. I'm nervous. I just want everything to be OK.

It should be OK, and baby had a heartbeat last time so I should be fine. Baby should be fine.  I know too much.  Being a part of so many blogs and baby loss support groups has been very beneficial in the grieving process (which I'm still very much in the midst of) but it's a double edged sword.  Now I know not only the two losses I've endured, but all the numerous ways, stages, etc. that others have lost their babies.  Endless possibilities.  Every time I start thinking positively toward the future I correct myself and remember this is 'if' and not an absolute 'when'.  Nothing in life is absolute.

Praying baby is just fine.  Two days and I'll know.

3D image:

From Our Rainbow

2D image:

From Our Rainbow

6 Weeks

I went in for my first ultrasound (transvaginal since it's still so early) on Wed., 6/15 at 1:30 pm.  I knew I was going to be nervous but had no idea how nervous I'd be.  With my first pregnancy Tim was able to attend every single appointment with me (and wanted to) but for this one he was unable to get away from work.  Needless to say, I was so worried not having my support system by my side for what I was certain was going to be a bad appointment.

The nurse who took my blood pressure asked if I was anxious because my BP was a little higher than normal.  Ha.  Am I anxious?!  Yes, I told her.  Very anxious.

I got undressed and sat there waiting for what seemed like an eternity for my Dr. to come in.  Every minute that passed I grew more & more scared.  My feet and hands were sweating.  I kept trying to calm myself for the sake of the baby but it definitely was hard to do.  When my Dr. came in we shook hands and I apologized for the sweaty palms and he was very nice about it; he understood.  We talked a little, I told him of my few symptoms (slight nausea & some headaches) and asked him a few questions.  I said how nervous I was about the pregnancy given all we've been through and he agreed it was for good reason why I'd be so worried.  We talked about the 'mind games' I tend to play, trying not to get too excited but trying not to diminish the happiness of having another baby.  I asked when the next appointment would be and he said "let's wait and see what we find on this ultrasound first".  That made me nervous but I'm glad he's so honest and agreed that made sense.  Why get my hopes up if I was about to find out there wouldn't be a next appointment...

He performed the ultrasound and nervously I looked over at the monitor.  It was tiny but there was a baby there, and it's little heart was beating away.  We were able to see it and he pushed a button so we could also hear it.  At first I thought it was my heart beat because it seemed a lot slower than Sofia's was.  He assured me that it starts out slow very early on then gets high then later in pregnancy goes back down a bit.  This baby's heart beat was at 103 BPM.  He measured the baby to be 5 weeks, 6 days (based on my LMP of 5/2/11 I was at 6 weeks, 2 days).  Because baby was so tiny at this early stage it makes it more difficult to measure for accuracy so he said he'd be able to get a better measurement at the 8 week ultrasound.

We talked about how amazing it is to see a heart beating on a baby the size of a lentil.  It really is amazing to think that this little baby is growing inside me.  I'll never get over how fascinating this is.

It doesn't look like much yet but he printed off a photo for me to take home and show Tim.  So here it is, this baby's very first photo:

From Our Rainbow

Happy Anniversary!

The morning of our 10 year anniversary I decided to take a home pregnancy test.  It was positive.

The first time I ever saw a positive test was with Sofia, and the only word to describe it was: shock.  The second time was with Sam and the feeling was: fear.  This time: uncertainty.

Not uncertainty about wanting a baby.  Of course we want a baby, so badly it hurts!  Uncertainty of what our future holds and how we will get through the next 9 months without losing my sanity.  We are of course cautiously excited and fearful of what could happen.

As Tim put it, we'll believe it when we have a healthy, screaming, crying baby in our arms.  Praying that this rainbow is our rainbow - to keep.

From Our Rainbow