Our Rainbow

Monday, June 27, 2011

8 Weeks

Today is 8 weeks since my LMP, May 2nd. I'm kind of surprised I made it to this point really.  I'm very anxious for Wednesday to get here, so I can have the second ultrasound and see if baby has been growing appropriately.  I'm scared.  I'm anxious. I'm nervous. I just want everything to be OK.

It should be OK, and baby had a heartbeat last time so I should be fine. Baby should be fine.  I know too much.  Being a part of so many blogs and baby loss support groups has been very beneficial in the grieving process (which I'm still very much in the midst of) but it's a double edged sword.  Now I know not only the two losses I've endured, but all the numerous ways, stages, etc. that others have lost their babies.  Endless possibilities.  Every time I start thinking positively toward the future I correct myself and remember this is 'if' and not an absolute 'when'.  Nothing in life is absolute.

Praying baby is just fine.  Two days and I'll know.

3D image:
From Our Rainbow

2D image:
From Our Rainbow

Wednesday, June 22, 2011

6 Weeks

I went in for my first ultrasound (transvaginal since it's still so early) on Wed., 6/15 at 1:30 pm.  I knew I was going to be nervous but had no idea how nervous I'd be.  With my first pregnancy Tim was able to attend every single appointment with me (and wanted to) but for this one he was unable to get away from work.  Needless to say, I was so worried not having my support system by my side for what I was certain was going to be a bad appointment.

The nurse who took my blood pressure asked if I was anxious because my BP was a little higher than normal.  Ha.  Am I anxious?!  Yes, I told her.  Very anxious.

I got undressed and sat there waiting for what seemed like an eternity for my Dr. to come in.  Every minute that passed I grew more & more scared.  My feet and hands were sweating.  I kept trying to calm myself for the sake of the baby but it definitely was hard to do.  When my Dr. came in we shook hands and I apologized for the sweaty palms and he was very nice about it; he understood.  We talked a little, I told him of my few symptoms (slight nausea & some headaches) and asked him a few questions.  I said how nervous I was about the pregnancy given all we've been through and he agreed it was for good reason why I'd be so worried.  We talked about the 'mind games' I tend to play, trying not to get too excited but trying not to diminish the happiness of having another baby.  I asked when the next appointment would be and he said "let's wait and see what we find on this ultrasound first".  That made me nervous but I'm glad he's so honest and agreed that made sense.  Why get my hopes up if I was about to find out there wouldn't be a next appointment...

He performed the ultrasound and nervously I looked over at the monitor.  It was tiny but there was a baby there, and it's little heart was beating away.  We were able to see it and he pushed a button so we could also hear it.  At first I thought it was my heart beat because it seemed a lot slower than Sofia's was.  He assured me that it starts out slow very early on then gets high then later in pregnancy goes back down a bit.  This baby's heart beat was at 103 BPM.  He measured the baby to be 5 weeks, 6 days (based on my LMP of 5/2/11 I was at 6 weeks, 2 days).  Because baby was so tiny at this early stage it makes it more difficult to measure for accuracy so he said he'd be able to get a better measurement at the 8 week ultrasound.

We talked about how amazing it is to see a heart beating on a baby the size of a lentil.  It really is amazing to think that this little baby is growing inside me.  I'll never get over how fascinating this is.

It doesn't look like much yet but he printed off a photo for me to take home and show Tim.  So here it is, this baby's very first photo:

From Our Rainbow

Sunday, June 12, 2011

Happy Anniversary!

The morning of our 10 year anniversary I decided to take a home pregnancy test.  It was positive.

The first time I ever saw a positive test was with Sofia, and the only word to describe it was: shock.  The second time was with Sam and the feeling was: fear.  This time: uncertainty.

Not uncertainty about wanting a baby.  Of course we want a baby, so badly it hurts!  Uncertainty of what our future holds and how we will get through the next 9 months without losing my sanity.  We are of course cautiously excited and fearful of what could happen.

As Tim put it, we'll believe it when we have a healthy, screaming, crying baby in our arms.  Praying that this rainbow is our rainbow - to keep.

From Our Rainbow