Our Rainbow

Wednesday, May 16, 2012

Mother's Day

Mother's Day this year was bittersweet. It's a lot different having a living child for this holiday than it was last year with a baby in heaven. Except that this year I had both. I've been crying a lot this week and can't seem to point it to one thing in particular. I'm just sad and frustrated. On Saturday morning I was driving with Rose and a thought entered my mind - one that has repeated over & over since we lost Sofia - that I have this constant feeling that something is out of place. The best way I can describe it now that I have Rose is the feeling I would have if we went about our daily lives but forgot her somewhere. That feeling like I need to go and get her...except that Sofia can't be picked up and that feeling (I imagine) will never go away.

I'd like to say I now feel 'complete' and I think a lot of people want to believe that we are, as a family, complete, now that Rose is here. The truth is we will never be complete although Rose definitely brings us so much joy every single day and for that we are extremely grateful. To think she was conceived around Mother's Day last year is kind of neat to think about. It was an early gift for that holiday as well as an anniversary gift the morning we found out she was on the way.

 I was catching up on some of the blogs I follow and from one blog was led to another and quickly my sadness for the week intensified. I was happy to read another BLM had her rainbow baby and he is doing well (very good news!!!) but from her blog I found another BLM who lost her rainbow baby - a girl- at 36 weeks, just one week shy of her scheduled c-section. She was told never to carry a baby again and is now looking for a surrogate. Ugh. I just can't imagine and I'm angry for her. That story got me thinking- I've recently been thinking ahead to when we might have another baby and we've been discussing how many more we would like to have, etc. Today I'm just thankful and GRATEFUL for Rose. I'm very lucky to have the opportunity to hold, kiss, hug & love her living body every day. I also felt a bit greedy thinking about having more babies. We're lucky to have what we do. Then there is the fear of something going wrong again. Even though Rose was born with no complications that doesn't mean we're exempt forever. It's such a hard road, and one I never imagined I would be on.

A week before Mother's day I had a nasty cold which I caught from baby Rose. That weekend I decided to take some photos of Rose in my studio at home and order prints as Mother's Day gifts for her grandmas. I'm a bit biased of course, but I have to say- what a beauty we have!! :) Most of the snapshot photos I have of her are of her big grin and squinty eyes from smiling. It was fun to see the more "serious side" of our girl, with her eyes wide open. I threw a headband and tutu on her and she was ready to go! I thought she'd hate the tutu material but she LOVED it. (Uh-oh- we have a 'girly-girl' on our hands, ha!)  Since she's now at the stage of pulling E-V-E-R-Y-thing up to her mouth, she had a fun time trying to eat the tutu. She wasn't fussy one bit, in fact she was a little ham. Then she did some tummy time and actually enjoyed it. Here are some of the photos from that shoot:

From Our Rainbow
From Our Rainbow
From Our Rainbow
Like many other holidays, this one was same in that we drove all over town to see everyone which made for an exhausting day. In the morning I had a gift that Tim insists was from "the kids" (Sofia, Sam, Rose, Mitty, Moose & Maggie) Here is Rose, 'talking' to me.
From Our Rainbow

Awhile back I had shown Tim a cool lady bug ring on Etsy. I was truly surprised when I opened the gift to see that inside! There was also a gift certificate to a spa & I can't wait to use it!
From Our Rainbow

From Our Rainbow
Rose & her "Grandma G" (my mom) over at my Granny's house:
From Our Rainbow
Rose & her Great Granny (my Granny, mom's side):
From Our Rainbow

Tuesday, May 1, 2012

She rolled over!!!

If you read my blogs you've probably noticed I haven't been blogging as much as I used to. If you read my last post you know why. ;) I try to spend every bit of time I can with Rose and blogging has taken a back seat.  I'm trying to find balance though, because the blogging in my head has to stop, LOL. I need to clear my thoughts out before they start piling up.

Anyway, this post is just to say that Rose rolled over in her crib for the first time ever Sunday morning!!

It was approx. 5:00 am and I woke up to her fussing on the monitor. I looked over at the video screen and was shocked! That's one way to get my tired butt out of bed in a hurry! I ran into her room and turned her over then picked her up. Even though I felt bad I used my best voice of encouragement because she has been trying to turn over for quite a while now and she did it! (She just couldn't figure out what to do about it once she was face down.)

When I went back to our bedroom to turn off the monitor I noticed that the screen still had a still image of her face down with a "NO SIGNAL" message (because I had turned off the monitor in her room).  So of course I had to snap a quick picture of it. How many people catch that on camera anyway? It was one of her many firsts and I was happy to have a record of it.

Now I really will be waking up with every noise!!!

Here she is:
From Our Rainbow

Carpe Diem

The past week I've been reflecting a lot on the last couple years. I've been crying quite a bit, missing Sofia and wishing she was here. Seeing babies- make that toddlers-that were born around the same time as Sofia is like a slap in the face of the cold reality that time moves on but the image of her remains unchanged.

Tim & I both feel now just as strongly as we did back in 2010 that Sofia has made us realize how important it is to appreciate what we have in life. We didn't want to shut down and not live life. We did our best (and it hasn't been easy) to remain strong - but allow ourselves to fall down now & then. We didn't waste any time trying for our second, then third baby. 

Now that Rose is here, we kiss her sweet cheeks constantly, hug & snuggle her as often as possible, play and smile every day. We absolutely love every minute- even when she's crying. We're fortunate to have an "easy" baby, but part of me thinks she's "easy" because we are patient and devote as much time as we can to loving & caring for her. She is our top priority and we try to "seize the day" every day with her.

Yesterday was first time I had heard about a little baby girl named Avery. She was born on 11-11-11 and was diagnosed with SMA. She was given 18 months to live and her parents created a bucket list for her. It was such a touching story to read and while it made me sad, it was inspiring.  

Today, sadly, I read that yesterday afternoon she unexpectedly passed away. I probably shouldn't have read her blog over my lunch at my desk at work because I was literally trying to hold back tears. I was thinking about the pain the parents must be feeling over their loss. I was also thinking about Rose and how this baby was only a couple months older than her...and that even though we have ourselves experienced the loss of a child, I could not imagine losing a baby at 5 months of age. 

I told Tim about it (he actually was the one who told me about the story to begin with) and he was shocked and sad that they were robbed of what little time they had left. I'm glad that the parents chose to make that bucket list and raise awareness of SMA at the same time. 

I believe that we all serve some purpose in this lifetime and I think that while it seems like Avery was taken too soon, the timing of it seemed strange...like she was here, she made her mark, she & her blog quickly made headlines and raised awareness, and now she is gone, in heaven.

So when I got home from work today you can bet I kissed Rose a few more times, hugged & snuggled a bit more than usual, played and smiled as long as she wanted to, and thanked God for letting us spend our days with our little girl. We won't take her for granted ever- that is a promise.