Our Rainbow

Wednesday, August 24, 2011

Scary Appointment!

I went in for my routine appointment this afternoon, this time just for a heart beat check & the usual weight, blood pressure, urine sample. I talked to the Dr. about feeling the first kicks yesterday and he said not to worry if I don't feel it often this early on. (Although he said he knows for me that's easier said than done)

I asked about seeing a perinatologist and after some discussion we agreed to revisit the conversation at the 20 week ultrasound. Ultimately, it's up to me and he will refer me if needed or wanted.

I told him I purchased a Doppler and he said it was safe to use but to limit to once per day. I told him I don't plan on using it unless I feel the need, so more like every few days. He agreed that if it calms my anxiety then for me, it makes sense to have one.

Then came the heart beat check. First he checked my left side, then the middle, then the right. After a few minutes of checking he kept picking up my heart beat. He checked my pulse on my wrist several times to ensure it was my heart rate he was detecting. By now, my blood pressure must have been through the roof. I could feel my heart beating out of my chest. I told him I was freaking out. I could sense some frustration on his face as well, especially since he knows my history. After much effort he said "we're going to get you an ultrasound, so you have peace of mind".

The ultrasound rooms were already occupied with other patients so I had to wait. Alone. Tim had to work late tonight and since it was just a routine appointment he didn't (and couldn't) come along. Panic began to set in as I started reliving that awful appointment when the heart beat couldn't be detected on Sofia. I had to wait what seemed like forever. Just enough time for me to start planning for the worst. My heart was racing, entire body was sweating and I was on the verge of a complete meltdown. I started wondering how I would have to deliver this baby. Would I deliver like I did at 40 weeks? Would they do a c-section? I hoped I wouldn't have a D&C.

When the Dr. & ultrasound tech came to get me I just moped back to the room. I quickly got in place for the tech to start. Immediately she said, "Baby is just bouncing all over the place!". Then she turned on the sound of the heart beating. A healthy 148 BPM. I just stared at the screen.

Apparently baby was just being very active and avoiding detection with the Doppler.

I'm pretty sure I saw a few more gray hairs in the mirror tonight. If I have even the slightest bit of sanity left after this pregnancy it'll be surprising.

Is it end of January yet!!!!!!??????

Well, at least I did get another pic of the little rascal. This is in 4D realtime. You can see the umbilical cord coming out of baby's belly and out in front. Next appointment is the anatomy scan at 20 weeks!
From Our Rainbow

Tuesday, August 23, 2011

First Kicks ~ 16 weeks, 1 day

I was at work today at my desk when I felt baby kick! It was more on the left side, where I detected the heart beat last night with my Doppler. There were a few distinct kicks (which felt more like minor bumps) then it stopped. No question in my mind that it was the baby. I'm so glad this is starting so soon. With my first pregnancy I felt the first movement at 17 weeks. Hoping the kicks/bumps become more frequent now. I emailed Tim right away to let him know I felt him/her move. He said it must be a late birthday present since my birthday was yesterday.

I go in for my 16 week appointment tomorrow but it's only for a heart beat check. My next appointment with an ultrasound is in 4 weeks, when I'll be 20 weeks along. We do intend on finding out the baby's gender then.

My routine dentist appointment for a teeth cleaning was today. When I first walked back with my hygienist she said she was going to do some x-rays but asked if I had any health changes since my last appointment. I told her I was pregnant and she said we'd skip the x-ray so it doesn't harm baby. (Which is what I was about to tell her I wanted to do!) So of course that led to the question I was fully expecting (and nervously dreading) to hear, "Is this your first or do you have other kids?". Ugh. Surprisingly I was able to tell her a summarized version of our loss without getting too emotional. She was almost in tears and was very nice about it. She then said she was pregnant & due any day and couldn't imagine what we went through. I told her that even I struggle to comprehend what we are still going through. It's too much to wrap your mind around.  We talked about that for awhile (well, she did most of the talking then I'd answer when my mouth wasn't crammed with dental tools) then about our pregnancies.  She also mentioned my dentist was also pregnant.  I later thought to myself: Thank God I'm pregnant too or it'd be really tough to have both of them pregnant, rubbing it in my face.

I'm glad I was able to talk openly about Sofia and this pregnancy too.  It is my life now, so I might as well get used to it!

Sunday, August 21, 2011


I started this blog awhile ago but just today made it public. Nothing fancy yet; I haven't had time to work on it much. I've added ultrasound pics and plan to blog throughout this pregnancy which will have ups & downs as we continue to deal with anxiety from our previous two losses. Welcome and feel free to follow along this journey. So far it has been tough but we're hopeful for a good outcome and that we will bring this 'rainbow' baby home.

10 week ultrasound pic

I didn't blog the 10th week but here's an ultrasound pic from that visit. Baby was curled up, sleeping:

From Our Rainbow

Week 15

This past week has been rough.  I've been OK physically but mentally/emotionally - it's not been great.  Up until 12 weeks I had been going in for ultrasound appointments every two weeks.  Now it's every four weeks.  My Dr. said I could come in any time for a heart beat check and I thought I could get through without it.  This week proved otherwise.  To call it a panic attack might be extreme but I definitely had my mind filled with worry all of Tuesday night and into Wednesday morning.  Such a mind game.  I hate that at this stage I can't feel movement yet and I sit there at night wondering if the baby inside me is still alive.  I decided I better get in for a heart beat check because there was no way I was going to think about anything else until I knew for sure.

I showed up at my Dr.'s office first thing in the morning and had to wait a bit but his dedicated nurse saw me and did the check.  I was so nervous that even when she found the heart beat & I listened to it I still felt scared.  It was a relief but after getting myself all worked up I bawled the whole way to work.  Sigh...

During my pregnancy with Sofia I had done some research on Dopplers for at-home use (but never actually bought one).  This time I decided I would wait until after the first trimester and if I still wanted one I'd buy it.  After this week I decided it was time to order! It arrived in the mail today and I was so relieved when I found baby's heart beat right away. It was in the 140's, just like at the Dr. office on Wed.

A lot of people are worried about how I'll handle it if for whatever reason I can't find the heart beat on my own.  They're concerned it will cause me unnecessary anxiety.  It's understandable however it is a very personal decision and after our loss it is the right decision for me. I'm well aware that at this stage baby moves around and it can take some time to find him/her. While of course it would bring me some worry if I didn't find it I bought a good quality Doppler, I'm past 15 weeks, and I made the decision that if I don't find it and I'm concerned that I'll simply go to the Dr. as soon as I can get in.  The peace of mind it will give me far outweighs the anxiety of waiting 4 weeks wondering if baby is OK.

The first time I felt movement while pregnant with Sofia was at 17 weeks so I imagine it will be anytime with this one.  They say it is felt sooner with subsequent pregnancies so I'm just waiting.  I have felt a few things that MIGHT be baby but it's so hard to know if it is just gas bubbles or food digesting, etc. I still remember feeling Sofia move for the first time.  I was getting ready for work and gently tapped on my belly.  She tapped back! From then on I knew what that feeling was like.  I'm so ready to feel that again!  And I occasionally tap to see if this one will respond in the same manner.