Our Rainbow

Sunday, August 21, 2011

Week 15

This past week has been rough.  I've been OK physically but mentally/emotionally - it's not been great.  Up until 12 weeks I had been going in for ultrasound appointments every two weeks.  Now it's every four weeks.  My Dr. said I could come in any time for a heart beat check and I thought I could get through without it.  This week proved otherwise.  To call it a panic attack might be extreme but I definitely had my mind filled with worry all of Tuesday night and into Wednesday morning.  Such a mind game.  I hate that at this stage I can't feel movement yet and I sit there at night wondering if the baby inside me is still alive.  I decided I better get in for a heart beat check because there was no way I was going to think about anything else until I knew for sure.

I showed up at my Dr.'s office first thing in the morning and had to wait a bit but his dedicated nurse saw me and did the check.  I was so nervous that even when she found the heart beat & I listened to it I still felt scared.  It was a relief but after getting myself all worked up I bawled the whole way to work.  Sigh...

During my pregnancy with Sofia I had done some research on Dopplers for at-home use (but never actually bought one).  This time I decided I would wait until after the first trimester and if I still wanted one I'd buy it.  After this week I decided it was time to order! It arrived in the mail today and I was so relieved when I found baby's heart beat right away. It was in the 140's, just like at the Dr. office on Wed.

A lot of people are worried about how I'll handle it if for whatever reason I can't find the heart beat on my own.  They're concerned it will cause me unnecessary anxiety.  It's understandable however it is a very personal decision and after our loss it is the right decision for me. I'm well aware that at this stage baby moves around and it can take some time to find him/her. While of course it would bring me some worry if I didn't find it I bought a good quality Doppler, I'm past 15 weeks, and I made the decision that if I don't find it and I'm concerned that I'll simply go to the Dr. as soon as I can get in.  The peace of mind it will give me far outweighs the anxiety of waiting 4 weeks wondering if baby is OK.

The first time I felt movement while pregnant with Sofia was at 17 weeks so I imagine it will be anytime with this one.  They say it is felt sooner with subsequent pregnancies so I'm just waiting.  I have felt a few things that MIGHT be baby but it's so hard to know if it is just gas bubbles or food digesting, etc. I still remember feeling Sofia move for the first time.  I was getting ready for work and gently tapped on my belly.  She tapped back! From then on I knew what that feeling was like.  I'm so ready to feel that again!  And I occasionally tap to see if this one will respond in the same manner.

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