Mother's Day this year was bittersweet. It's a lot different having a living child for this holiday than it was last year with a baby in heaven. Except that this year I had both. I've been crying a lot this week and can't seem to point it to one thing in particular. I'm just sad and frustrated. On Saturday morning I was driving with Rose and a thought entered my mind - one that has repeated over & over since we lost Sofia - that I have this constant feeling that something is out of place. The best way I can describe it now that I have Rose is the feeling I would have if we went about our daily lives but forgot her somewhere. That feeling like I need to go and get her...except that Sofia can't be picked up and that feeling (I imagine) will never go away.
I'd like to say I now feel 'complete' and I think a lot of people want to believe that we are, as a family, complete, now that Rose is here. The truth is we will never be complete although Rose definitely brings us so much joy every single day and for that we are extremely grateful. To think she was conceived around Mother's Day last year is kind of neat to think about. It was an early gift for that holiday as well as an anniversary gift the morning we found out she was on the way.
I was catching up on some of the blogs I follow and from one blog was led to another and quickly my sadness for the week intensified. I was happy to read another BLM had her rainbow
baby and he is doing well (very good news!!!) but from her blog I found another BLM who lost her rainbow
baby - a girl- at 36 weeks, just one week shy of her scheduled c-section. She was told never to carry a baby again and is now looking for a surrogate. Ugh. I just can't imagine and I'm angry for her. That story got me thinking- I've recently been thinking ahead to when we might have another baby and we've been discussing how many more we would like to have, etc. Today I'm just thankful and GRATEFUL for Rose. I'm very lucky to have the opportunity to hold, kiss, hug & love her living body every day. I also felt a bit greedy thinking about having more babies. We're lucky to have what we do. Then there is the fear of something going wrong again. Even though Rose was born with no complications that doesn't mean we're exempt forever. It's such a hard road, and one I never imagined I would be on.
A week before Mother's day I had a nasty cold which I caught from baby Rose. That weekend I decided to take some photos of Rose in my studio at home and order prints as Mother's Day gifts for her grandmas. I'm a bit biased of course, but I have to say- what a beauty we have!! :) Most of the snapshot photos I have of her are of her big grin and squinty eyes from smiling. It was fun to see the more "serious side" of our girl, with her eyes wide open. I threw a headband and tutu on her and she was ready to go! I thought she'd hate the tutu material but she LOVED it. (Uh-oh- we have a 'girly-girl' on our hands, ha!) Since she's now at the stage of pulling E-V-E-R-Y-thing up to her mouth, she had a fun time trying to eat the tutu. She wasn't fussy one bit, in fact she was a little ham. Then she did some tummy time and actually enjoyed it. Here are some of the photos from that shoot:
Like many other holidays, this one was same in that we drove all over town to see everyone which made for an exhausting day. In the morning I had a gift that Tim insists was from "the kids" (Sofia, Sam, Rose, Mitty, Moose & Maggie) Here is Rose, 'talking' to me.
Awhile back I had shown Tim a cool lady bug ring on Etsy. I was truly surprised when I opened the gift to see that inside! There was also a gift certificate to a spa & I can't wait to use it!
Rose & her "Grandma G" (my mom) over at my Granny's house:
Rose & her Great Granny (my Granny, mom's side):
Wow, she really is cute!!! Looooove those Pics! Awesome props--headband especially! Wish u were closer and could do Kellan's!!
ReplyDeleteRose is so cute!
ReplyDeleteI know that nagging feeling of "something is missing" all too well - sometimes I just have to stop and acknowledge that the "something" is Elizabeth and the missing is permanent...no way around it, is there?
Super cute! I too wish you lived in my area, I would so love to work with you and learn how you do photography...I know some but not as much as you I am sure. I love the serious face rose gave as she is lifting the tutu to her face. :)
ReplyDeletehugs-
Felicia