Coping with a baby here, a baby not

I wasn't sure which blog to post this on because it directly relates to both babies, Sofia and Rose.

It has already been over 3 weeks that we've had our "rainbow" baby and while we have loved having her with us we still struggle with the grief for her sister.

While I was pregnant I made myself step away from my grief as much as possible out of fear.  Fear that being too upset, crying and feeling sad might hurt this baby.  After losing Sofia then miscarrying Sam while grieving hard I was terrified of this. I still thought of Sofia every single day but didn't allow myself to get out my emotions during most of my pregnancy.

Now that Rose is here, the emotions are very present. It isn't "baby blues". It is finally coping with feelings that most likely will never be gone.

I always knew that having another baby would not in any way make us "better".  It has brought us happiness and fills the void of being able to parent a living child, but it does not in any way replace Sofia and just like when anyone else dies, there is a clear sense that someone is physically missing from the group.

Tim & I have both cried several times in the past few weeks over this. Rose looks very much like her sister.  Not many people saw Sofia like we did- immediately after she was delivered, still looking ALMOST alive. That's how I remember her in my mind's eye.

When I'm rocking Rose in the nursery, touching her hair, looking down at her sweet face, I have tears because I remember holding Sofia and looking at her for that very brief time. It makes me sad that we will never be able to do things with Sofia. It just brings back a lot of pain and emptiness.

We miss Sofia more now than ever.

On Jan. 29th, when Rose was only 8 days old, we took her for a visit to the cemetery.  Weather was warm for January and we wanted to start early with bringing her to where her sister is laid to rest. This might seem strange to some people and of course we would prefer a photo of the girls together in a different way but this is our reality.

From Our Rainbow