Four Months!

I think I say this at every milestone but wow, she is growing so fast! Sunday, May 20th, Rose turned 4 months old.  A lot has been going on in our lives in the past couple weeks which has kept me from my computer but I'll save that for another post.

I'm amazed at how much of a difference 4 months can make. We have an entirely new baby on our hands (well, sort of). She has started teething for sure now-still no teeth poking through the gums, but it is evident that they must hurt-and as a result she has many more 'fussy' moments compared to months 1-3.

Rose is so talkative now. It's cute how many new sounds she makes and how impressed she seems to be with herself when every now & then she lets out a big 'roar' in the mirror, almost scaring herself. Lots of gurgles, giggles, bubbles and coos. Sometimes it almost sounds like she's saying "hi".

She's becoming a pro at using her cries to her own advantage. They say in the books that you can't spoil a baby the first year and that they don't start to use manipulation this soon either, but I have my doubts about that. Where it used to be clear that she either needed a diaper change or a bottle, her cries now also include being tired and "pick me up, dang it!!". She used to be so content just hanging out in her swing, on her play mat or bouncer. She still likes the play mat but hasn't used the swing in a long time and the bouncer she only tolerates for short periods (long enough to jump in the shower quick). Just the other day I put her in the bouncer so I could shower and I told her, "be a good girl, mommy's going to shower now". She went from a big smile to sticking out her lower lip. I laughed and told her to put that lip away and she gave me a huge smile back. Yep, she's totally playing us now.

Since she no longer hangs out in her swing we decided to invest in a high chair so she could sit with us at the table. We also bought her an exer-saucer which she likes so far, but only for a short while. It was funny the first time she sat/stood in it. Talk about over-stimulation! She kept looking at all the objects making noise and was trying to figure them out.

We started giving her some rice cereal the other day. Right now it's only once a day & a 'soupy' consistency. She was a bit unsure of the spoon at first but eventually was all *messy* smiles. She probably didn't get much in her belly but it was a start.

Rose has been turning over from back to belly for awhile now but the instances were few & far between. That is, until this past week.  She finally figured out how to quickly flip over and now every time she is put onto her back she immediately flips. Unfortunately for us, she hasn't mastered flipping over from belly to back. This makes for an 'interesting' night. She flips to her belly & gets frustrated and cries until we come in and flip her back over. There have been several sleepless nights lately. She needs to learn this quick, so she can turn on her own!

She went in for her 4 month shots last week - poor girl! As usual she was happy until the nurse came in with the shots. This visit the nurse had Rose's legs hang down over the table and she put her body against Rose's legs at the knee to keep her from squirming away. I felt so bad!! She had a shot in each leg and she freaked out after she was startled from the first needle. Her face turned bright red and she held her breath for what seemed like a minute but was probably more like 15-20 seconds. I picked her up right away and tried to console her. She was NOT happy. :( We gave her the rest of her bottle and she was fine. I have a feeling with each visit as she grows older and more aware it will be more of a struggle and she'll have more fits. I can't say I blame her - I've never been a fan of getting shots myself.

Four Months

Weight: 13 lb 7 oz (43.18%)

Length: 24.5" (56.88%)

Head Circumference: 16.73" (85.78%)

Diaper Size: Size 2

Clothing Size: 6 months

Milestones: Quickly turns over from back to belly, 'talks' a lot more, tries to crawl when pushing feet against something (more like scooting/army crawl), starting rice cereal.

Rose with Rose the elephant at 4 months

From Our Rainbow

"I'm THIS big!" ~4 months old!!!

From Our Rainbow

First time in exer-saucer, checking out all the neat toys

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She really was intrigued by the blue parrot at first

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Trying Rice Cereal for the first time, not sure what this whole spoon thing is about

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Once she realized it was food, she was all smiles!

From Our Rainbow

Mother's Day

Mother's Day this year was bittersweet. It's a lot different having a living child for this holiday than it was last year with a baby in heaven. Except that this year I had both. I've been crying a lot this week and can't seem to point it to one thing in particular. I'm just sad and frustrated. On Saturday morning I was driving with Rose and a thought entered my mind - one that has repeated over & over since we lost Sofia - that I have this constant feeling that something is out of place. The best way I can describe it now that I have Rose is the feeling I would have if we went about our daily lives but forgot her somewhere. That feeling like I need to go and get her...except that Sofia can't be picked up and that feeling (I imagine) will never go away.

I'd like to say I now feel 'complete' and I think a lot of people want to believe that we are, as a family, complete, now that Rose is here. The truth is we will never be complete although Rose definitely brings us so much joy every single day and for that we are extremely grateful. To think she was conceived around Mother's Day last year is kind of neat to think about. It was an early gift for that holiday as well as an anniversary gift the morning we found out she was on the way.

 I was catching up on some of the blogs I follow and from one blog was led to another and quickly my sadness for the week intensified. I was happy to read another BLM had her rainbow baby and he is doing well (very good news!!!) but from her blog I found another BLM who lost her rainbow baby - a girl- at 36 weeks, just one week shy of her scheduled c-section. She was told never to carry a baby again and is now looking for a surrogate. Ugh. I just can't imagine and I'm angry for her. That story got me thinking- I've recently been thinking ahead to when we might have another baby and we've been discussing how many more we would like to have, etc. Today I'm just thankful and GRATEFUL for Rose. I'm very lucky to have the opportunity to hold, kiss, hug & love her living body every day. I also felt a bit greedy thinking about having more babies. We're lucky to have what we do. Then there is the fear of something going wrong again. Even though Rose was born with no complications that doesn't mean we're exempt forever. It's such a hard road, and one I never imagined I would be on.

A week before Mother's day I had a nasty cold which I caught from baby Rose. That weekend I decided to take some photos of Rose in my studio at home and order prints as Mother's Day gifts for her grandmas. I'm a bit biased of course, but I have to say- what a beauty we have!! :) Most of the snapshot photos I have of her are of her big grin and squinty eyes from smiling. It was fun to see the more "serious side" of our girl, with her eyes wide open. I threw a headband and tutu on her and she was ready to go! I thought she'd hate the tutu material but she LOVED it. (Uh-oh- we have a 'girly-girl' on our hands, ha!)  Since she's now at the stage of pulling E-V-E-R-Y-thing up to her mouth, she had a fun time trying to eat the tutu. She wasn't fussy one bit, in fact she was a little ham. Then she did some tummy time and actually enjoyed it. Here are some of the photos from that shoot:

From Our Rainbow

From Our Rainbow

From Our Rainbow

Like many other holidays, this one was same in that we drove all over town to see everyone which made for an exhausting day. In the morning I had a gift that Tim insists was from "the kids" (Sofia, Sam, Rose, Mitty, Moose & Maggie) Here is Rose, 'talking' to me.

From Our Rainbow

Awhile back I had shown Tim a cool lady bug ring on Etsy. I was truly surprised when I opened the gift to see that inside! There was also a gift certificate to a spa & I can't wait to use it!

From Our Rainbow

From Our Rainbow

Rose & her "Grandma G" (my mom) over at my Granny's house:

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Rose & her Great Granny (my Granny, mom's side):

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She rolled over!!!

If you read my blogs you've probably noticed I haven't been blogging as much as I used to. If you read my last post you know why. ;) I try to spend every bit of time I can with Rose and blogging has taken a back seat.  I'm trying to find balance though, because the blogging in my head has to stop, LOL. I need to clear my thoughts out before they start piling up.

Anyway, this post is just to say that Rose rolled over in her crib for the first time ever Sunday morning!!

It was approx. 5:00 am and I woke up to her fussing on the monitor. I looked over at the video screen and was shocked! That's one way to get my tired butt out of bed in a hurry! I ran into her room and turned her over then picked her up. Even though I felt bad I used my best voice of encouragement because she has been trying to turn over for quite a while now and she did it! (She just couldn't figure out what to do about it once she was face down.)

When I went back to our bedroom to turn off the monitor I noticed that the screen still had a still image of her face down with a "NO SIGNAL" message (because I had turned off the monitor in her room).  So of course I had to snap a quick picture of it. How many people catch that on camera anyway? It was one of her many firsts and I was happy to have a record of it.

Now I really will be waking up with every noise!!!

Here she is:

From Our Rainbow

Carpe Diem

The past week I've been reflecting a lot on the last couple years. I've been crying quite a bit, missing Sofia and wishing she was here. Seeing babies- make that toddlers-that were born around the same time as Sofia is like a slap in the face of the cold reality that time moves on but the image of her remains unchanged.

Tim & I both feel now just as strongly as we did back in 2010 that Sofia has made us realize how important it is to appreciate what we have in life. We didn't want to shut down and not live life. We did our best (and it hasn't been easy) to remain strong - but allow ourselves to fall down now & then. We didn't waste any time trying for our second, then third baby. 

Now that Rose is here, we kiss her sweet cheeks constantly, hug & snuggle her as often as possible, play and smile every day. We absolutely love every minute- even when she's crying. We're fortunate to have an "easy" baby, but part of me thinks she's "easy" because we are patient and devote as much time as we can to loving & caring for her. She is our top priority and we try to "seize the day" every day with her.

Yesterday was first time I had heard about a little baby girl named Avery. She was born on 11-11-11 and was diagnosed with SMA. She was given 18 months to live and her parents created a bucket list for her. It was such a touching story to read and while it made me sad, it was inspiring.  

Today, sadly, I read that yesterday afternoon she unexpectedly passed away. I probably shouldn't have read her blog over my lunch at my desk at work because I was literally trying to hold back tears. I was thinking about the pain the parents must be feeling over their loss. I was also thinking about Rose and how this baby was only a couple months older than her...and that even though we have ourselves experienced the loss of a child, I could not imagine losing a baby at 5 months of age. 

I told Tim about it (he actually was the one who told me about the story to begin with) and he was shocked and sad that they were robbed of what little time they had left. I'm glad that the parents chose to make that bucket list and raise awareness of SMA at the same time. 

I believe that we all serve some purpose in this lifetime and I think that while it seems like Avery was taken too soon, the timing of it seemed strange...like she was here, she made her mark, she & her blog quickly made headlines and raised awareness, and now she is gone, in heaven.

So when I got home from work today you can bet I kissed Rose a few more times, hugged & snuggled a bit more than usual, played and smiled as long as she wanted to, and thanked God for letting us spend our days with our little girl. We won't take her for granted ever- that is a promise.

Three Months

Everyone tells you to enjoy all the baby moments because it goes so fast.  This is so true! Rose is changing in what feels like a blink of an eye. How is she already 3 months? No longer a newborn, she is growing and very alert. Her 3 month milestone was on Friday, the 20th.

The other day I decided to view some of the video we had recorded starting at the hospital after Rose was born along with her first day at home. She was SO itsy bitsy! The little cries have changed, her size has changed, it all has! I'm so glad we have the stages on video and hope we continue remembering to capture things. Whenever she does something cute (this is a regular occurrence, ha!), we turn on the video recorder and get a few minutes of whatever it is she's doing. 

With her being three months it meant me going back to work. Talk about separation anxiety... I had a hard time the first day back, mostly in the morning at home before work. I started on a Friday (Friday the 13th!). The superstitious side of me was a bit worried about that but the logical side of me thought it was great. It wasn't a day I picked; it just landed that way after 12 weeks maternity leave. It made for an easy day, knowing I was just cleaning out emails and after work it was the weekend again. My mom came over in the morning and stayed at our house all day to watch Rose. It might sound crazy but when I handed Rose over to my mom I started crying & said I didn't want to go to work. I felt like I was saying good-bye (and not see ya later today). All the emotions/memories of saying good-bye to Sofia flooded into my head. Ugh. I had to keep reminding myself that it isn't good-bye, just see you after work. Still, it was hard.This past week was a tough one too. It isn't easy dropping off your little one when you feel like you should be the one caring for her all day. Still working out many kinks with the grandparents who are watching her. Talk about a challenge & a headache. Sigh... On a positive note, my schedule gets me out of work earlier which allows me to get home to Rose sooner each night. I'll have at least 4 hours with her before bedtime so I'm glad about that.

We're so fortunate & blessed to have such a happy, easy baby. She generally only cries when she wants something (new diaper, bottle, or she's bored). If all babies were this easy we'd be called the Duggars (kidding). We think Rose is pretty darn cute & we're loving every minute of our time with her.

Three Months

Weight: 12.5 lbs (approximate, using our own scale)

Length: 24.5 inches (our own measurements)

Diaper Size: Just changing over from size 1 to size 2

Clothing Size: 3 months & 3-6 months. Feet are snug on 0-3 months/3 months

Milestones: continues to smile, coos, follows objects/people with her eyes, still self-soothes using her own hand but will occasionally accept a pacifier (only a certain kind), very mobile & alert, happiest on her back where she can kick her arms & legs around, moves all over the place in her crib at night- wakes up on opposite end of crib in opposite direction. Still sleeping through the night (has since 8 weeks!!) Holds her head up most of the time. Starting to reach for and hold onto things including her own clothes, attempts to bring them to her mouth. Has been laughing in her sleep and just started laughing out loud. Loves her play mat with the bees and her bouncer where she stares at "Mr. Bee". Starting to "meet" new toys with faces and she smiles away at them- so cute!

From Our Rainbow

From Our Rainbow

From Our Rainbow

From Our Rainbow

From Our Rainbow

The switch to formula

While I was pregnant and planning everything, when it came to feeding I was indifferent. Maybe that's not the right word; I was open to breast feeding but not tied to it in my head. I was also open to formula feeding. Ultimately, I figured I'd try breast feeding and if it worked, great, if not, that's fine too. I knew that breast feeding gives the best to baby so of course I wanted to do that but wasn't going to stress if it didn't work out.

Not many people in our family (past generations) breast fed their babies so I didn't have their experiences/stories/advice to go on. Maybe that's a good thing because oftentimes "advice" is pushed on us new mommas as if we don't have a clue. I'm one who reads, reads, and reads some more to become as knowledgeable as I can be. I also have some friends with lots of experience and they helped without being too overbearing.

I was one of the lucky ones because baby Rose latched on during the first hour of her life outside the womb.  I never had cracked nipples or mastitis or engorgement. I didn't leak uncontrollably or have clogged ducts. I guess that's why it added to the guilt I had when I decided to wean her and switch to formula. It felt like I was not only betraying Rose, but my body too.

You hear people say how great the bonding is, blah, blah, blah... Well it's so true! It took me a week and a half to finally "rip the band-aid" so to speak and slowly wean her off. I'll be returning to work in the very near future and decided it would be too difficult to pump at work.  The fact that Rose has been sleeping through the night since she was 8 weeks old (yay!!) and being at work all day means my milk supply would certainly diminish. It already started to with her sleeping through the night. I would get up at 2 am to pump so I was still not getting sleep even though Rose was.

Rose was just shy of two months old when I made the switch. I remember the very last time I breast fed her. It was her first morning feeding on Thursday, March 15th, the day before she turned 8 weeks. We were in her room in the rocking chair and I felt so, so sad.

It's amazing what hormones can do to a new mom! It wasn't like I was losing her but it felt like it. There's a connection with breast feeding that I don't think you can feel through bottle feeding. At least that is my experience. I said previously that I never dealt with engorgement but that's not entirely accurate. I did have it when I weaned her off the breast. It hurt. A lot! A few times I pumped just a little so I could relieve some pressure and get some sleep but it was horrible! Rock hard & huge (for little me) and very painful. It took about a week for me to stop leaking and for the soreness to go away.

Rose only turned her head towards my chest a few times (which was gut-wrenching guilt-wise). One night I had a breakdown, just sobbing over it. Tim brought me some perspective on the matter. He said I would eventually have weaned her off (whether it be at 2 months, 6 months, a year...) so the separation anxiety I was feeling would be there whenever I did it.  He was right, so I stuck to my decision.

If I were a stay at home mom I know I'd still be breast feeding today. Rose is on her second type of formula, a sensitive formula given to us by her pediatrician for her gas & tummy issues. The poopy diapers with formula are NASTY! I was half-tempted to go back to BF'ing for that reason alone! And the bottle preparation is a major pain in my opinion. It was so much easier to just lift up my shirt. Now when she's hungry she freaks out if it takes too long to get her a bottle. I try occasionally to have it prepared when I 'think' she will be ready for more, but babies are unpredictable at times. I prefer to let HER tell me when she's hungry.  This is how I know when she is:

From Our Rainbow

Here she is, enjoying a bottle:

From Our Rainbow

Rose is a hungry little hippo as I call her... She was eating 3-4 oz at a time but this week she's been wanting more like 5-6 oz. She's a growing girl, and formula is going to get costly!!

I've come to realize that the emotions and fears I was having didn't last long and that I'm still able to bond with her in other ways. Fortunately it wasn't difficult to make the switch for Rose. She accepted a bottle and formula without issues. We have a very happy baby and she gives me smiles all throughout the day. We just have to bond in other ways now.

Here we are playing on her play mat:

From Our Rainbow

From Our Rainbow

And here's a couple pics of her not smiling but still just as cute in my totally unbiased mind, haha!

From Our Rainbow

From Our Rainbow

I think with our next baby I'll attempt to breast feed just a little longer but we'll see. :)

2 month Pediatrician Visit

Rose had her two month visit to the pediatrician at 9 weeks and I didn't think it would be a big deal but I cried when she got the shots. The poor little girl was so happy & playful before the nurse came in so that made me feel worse. Here she was, on the exam table, smiling, cooing, scooting across to get to the Doctor's instruments, and then BAM! Two shots to the left leg, one on the right and a cold liquid 'shot'. She was NOT happy. The tears were flowing on her face & mine as I tried to calm her down. It's horrible!! She barely gets over the first shot then the next one jabs her tiny chicken legs. I could tell it was quite a shock to her each time.  She was worn out after they were done so I gave her a bottle and she fell asleep on my shoulder. She was pretty tired the rest of the day.  She seemed to be a little on edge too- almost untrusting, afraid more shots were coming. I had to try & reassure her she was done with that for the day and that it wasn't me who administered the shots. :(

She's doing great developmentally. Her weight is in the lower percentile but the pediatrician assured me that was just fine because she was smaller when she was born (compared to other babies her age). Poor girl does have a big/normal sized head for the rest of her body (which isn't a concern by Dr in any way). It just makes it harder to get some small clothes over her head- something she absolutely hates!

Length: 22.5 (53.78 percentile)
Weight: 10.06 (10.1 was what we were told, but chart has 10.06- 26.94 percentile)
Head circumference: 15.9 (84.19 percentile)

Here she is at home before heading to the Dr. She's stylin' in her shades, shoes & jean skirt (that finally fit her)!

From Our Rainbow

Happy on the exam table, before shots:

From Our Rainbow

She saw the instruments and was determined to scoot across the table to see them:

From Our Rainbow

After the shots. :( She normally won't take a pacifier but that day she did. Poor girl!

From Our Rainbow

Two shots in the left leg:

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One shot in the right leg:

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After a bottle. She sure looks huge in this pic:

From Our Rainbow