Carpe Diem

The past week I've been reflecting a lot on the last couple years. I've been crying quite a bit, missing Sofia and wishing she was here. Seeing babies- make that toddlers-that were born around the same time as Sofia is like a slap in the face of the cold reality that time moves on but the image of her remains unchanged.

Tim & I both feel now just as strongly as we did back in 2010 that Sofia has made us realize how important it is to appreciate what we have in life. We didn't want to shut down and not live life. We did our best (and it hasn't been easy) to remain strong - but allow ourselves to fall down now & then. We didn't waste any time trying for our second, then third baby. 

Now that Rose is here, we kiss her sweet cheeks constantly, hug & snuggle her as often as possible, play and smile every day. We absolutely love every minute- even when she's crying. We're fortunate to have an "easy" baby, but part of me thinks she's "easy" because we are patient and devote as much time as we can to loving & caring for her. She is our top priority and we try to "seize the day" every day with her.

Yesterday was first time I had heard about a little baby girl named Avery. She was born on 11-11-11 and was diagnosed with SMA. She was given 18 months to live and her parents created a bucket list for her. It was such a touching story to read and while it made me sad, it was inspiring.  

Today, sadly, I read that yesterday afternoon she unexpectedly passed away. I probably shouldn't have read her blog over my lunch at my desk at work because I was literally trying to hold back tears. I was thinking about the pain the parents must be feeling over their loss. I was also thinking about Rose and how this baby was only a couple months older than her...and that even though we have ourselves experienced the loss of a child, I could not imagine losing a baby at 5 months of age. 

I told Tim about it (he actually was the one who told me about the story to begin with) and he was shocked and sad that they were robbed of what little time they had left. I'm glad that the parents chose to make that bucket list and raise awareness of SMA at the same time. 

I believe that we all serve some purpose in this lifetime and I think that while it seems like Avery was taken too soon, the timing of it seemed strange...like she was here, she made her mark, she & her blog quickly made headlines and raised awareness, and now she is gone, in heaven.

So when I got home from work today you can bet I kissed Rose a few more times, hugged & snuggled a bit more than usual, played and smiled as long as she wanted to, and thanked God for letting us spend our days with our little girl. We won't take her for granted ever- that is a promise.

Three Months

Everyone tells you to enjoy all the baby moments because it goes so fast.  This is so true! Rose is changing in what feels like a blink of an eye. How is she already 3 months? No longer a newborn, she is growing and very alert. Her 3 month milestone was on Friday, the 20th.

The other day I decided to view some of the video we had recorded starting at the hospital after Rose was born along with her first day at home. She was SO itsy bitsy! The little cries have changed, her size has changed, it all has! I'm so glad we have the stages on video and hope we continue remembering to capture things. Whenever she does something cute (this is a regular occurrence, ha!), we turn on the video recorder and get a few minutes of whatever it is she's doing. 

With her being three months it meant me going back to work. Talk about separation anxiety... I had a hard time the first day back, mostly in the morning at home before work. I started on a Friday (Friday the 13th!). The superstitious side of me was a bit worried about that but the logical side of me thought it was great. It wasn't a day I picked; it just landed that way after 12 weeks maternity leave. It made for an easy day, knowing I was just cleaning out emails and after work it was the weekend again. My mom came over in the morning and stayed at our house all day to watch Rose. It might sound crazy but when I handed Rose over to my mom I started crying & said I didn't want to go to work. I felt like I was saying good-bye (and not see ya later today). All the emotions/memories of saying good-bye to Sofia flooded into my head. Ugh. I had to keep reminding myself that it isn't good-bye, just see you after work. Still, it was hard.This past week was a tough one too. It isn't easy dropping off your little one when you feel like you should be the one caring for her all day. Still working out many kinks with the grandparents who are watching her. Talk about a challenge & a headache. Sigh... On a positive note, my schedule gets me out of work earlier which allows me to get home to Rose sooner each night. I'll have at least 4 hours with her before bedtime so I'm glad about that.

We're so fortunate & blessed to have such a happy, easy baby. She generally only cries when she wants something (new diaper, bottle, or she's bored). If all babies were this easy we'd be called the Duggars (kidding). We think Rose is pretty darn cute & we're loving every minute of our time with her.

Three Months

Weight: 12.5 lbs (approximate, using our own scale)

Length: 24.5 inches (our own measurements)

Diaper Size: Just changing over from size 1 to size 2

Clothing Size: 3 months & 3-6 months. Feet are snug on 0-3 months/3 months

Milestones: continues to smile, coos, follows objects/people with her eyes, still self-soothes using her own hand but will occasionally accept a pacifier (only a certain kind), very mobile & alert, happiest on her back where she can kick her arms & legs around, moves all over the place in her crib at night- wakes up on opposite end of crib in opposite direction. Still sleeping through the night (has since 8 weeks!!) Holds her head up most of the time. Starting to reach for and hold onto things including her own clothes, attempts to bring them to her mouth. Has been laughing in her sleep and just started laughing out loud. Loves her play mat with the bees and her bouncer where she stares at "Mr. Bee". Starting to "meet" new toys with faces and she smiles away at them- so cute!

From Our Rainbow

From Our Rainbow

From Our Rainbow

From Our Rainbow

From Our Rainbow

The switch to formula

While I was pregnant and planning everything, when it came to feeding I was indifferent. Maybe that's not the right word; I was open to breast feeding but not tied to it in my head. I was also open to formula feeding. Ultimately, I figured I'd try breast feeding and if it worked, great, if not, that's fine too. I knew that breast feeding gives the best to baby so of course I wanted to do that but wasn't going to stress if it didn't work out.

Not many people in our family (past generations) breast fed their babies so I didn't have their experiences/stories/advice to go on. Maybe that's a good thing because oftentimes "advice" is pushed on us new mommas as if we don't have a clue. I'm one who reads, reads, and reads some more to become as knowledgeable as I can be. I also have some friends with lots of experience and they helped without being too overbearing.

I was one of the lucky ones because baby Rose latched on during the first hour of her life outside the womb.  I never had cracked nipples or mastitis or engorgement. I didn't leak uncontrollably or have clogged ducts. I guess that's why it added to the guilt I had when I decided to wean her and switch to formula. It felt like I was not only betraying Rose, but my body too.

You hear people say how great the bonding is, blah, blah, blah... Well it's so true! It took me a week and a half to finally "rip the band-aid" so to speak and slowly wean her off. I'll be returning to work in the very near future and decided it would be too difficult to pump at work.  The fact that Rose has been sleeping through the night since she was 8 weeks old (yay!!) and being at work all day means my milk supply would certainly diminish. It already started to with her sleeping through the night. I would get up at 2 am to pump so I was still not getting sleep even though Rose was.

Rose was just shy of two months old when I made the switch. I remember the very last time I breast fed her. It was her first morning feeding on Thursday, March 15th, the day before she turned 8 weeks. We were in her room in the rocking chair and I felt so, so sad.

It's amazing what hormones can do to a new mom! It wasn't like I was losing her but it felt like it. There's a connection with breast feeding that I don't think you can feel through bottle feeding. At least that is my experience. I said previously that I never dealt with engorgement but that's not entirely accurate. I did have it when I weaned her off the breast. It hurt. A lot! A few times I pumped just a little so I could relieve some pressure and get some sleep but it was horrible! Rock hard & huge (for little me) and very painful. It took about a week for me to stop leaking and for the soreness to go away.

Rose only turned her head towards my chest a few times (which was gut-wrenching guilt-wise). One night I had a breakdown, just sobbing over it. Tim brought me some perspective on the matter. He said I would eventually have weaned her off (whether it be at 2 months, 6 months, a year...) so the separation anxiety I was feeling would be there whenever I did it.  He was right, so I stuck to my decision.

If I were a stay at home mom I know I'd still be breast feeding today. Rose is on her second type of formula, a sensitive formula given to us by her pediatrician for her gas & tummy issues. The poopy diapers with formula are NASTY! I was half-tempted to go back to BF'ing for that reason alone! And the bottle preparation is a major pain in my opinion. It was so much easier to just lift up my shirt. Now when she's hungry she freaks out if it takes too long to get her a bottle. I try occasionally to have it prepared when I 'think' she will be ready for more, but babies are unpredictable at times. I prefer to let HER tell me when she's hungry.  This is how I know when she is:

From Our Rainbow

Here she is, enjoying a bottle:

From Our Rainbow

Rose is a hungry little hippo as I call her... She was eating 3-4 oz at a time but this week she's been wanting more like 5-6 oz. She's a growing girl, and formula is going to get costly!!

I've come to realize that the emotions and fears I was having didn't last long and that I'm still able to bond with her in other ways. Fortunately it wasn't difficult to make the switch for Rose. She accepted a bottle and formula without issues. We have a very happy baby and she gives me smiles all throughout the day. We just have to bond in other ways now.

Here we are playing on her play mat:

From Our Rainbow

From Our Rainbow

And here's a couple pics of her not smiling but still just as cute in my totally unbiased mind, haha!

From Our Rainbow

From Our Rainbow

I think with our next baby I'll attempt to breast feed just a little longer but we'll see. :)

2 month Pediatrician Visit

Rose had her two month visit to the pediatrician at 9 weeks and I didn't think it would be a big deal but I cried when she got the shots. The poor little girl was so happy & playful before the nurse came in so that made me feel worse. Here she was, on the exam table, smiling, cooing, scooting across to get to the Doctor's instruments, and then BAM! Two shots to the left leg, one on the right and a cold liquid 'shot'. She was NOT happy. The tears were flowing on her face & mine as I tried to calm her down. It's horrible!! She barely gets over the first shot then the next one jabs her tiny chicken legs. I could tell it was quite a shock to her each time.  She was worn out after they were done so I gave her a bottle and she fell asleep on my shoulder. She was pretty tired the rest of the day.  She seemed to be a little on edge too- almost untrusting, afraid more shots were coming. I had to try & reassure her she was done with that for the day and that it wasn't me who administered the shots. :(

She's doing great developmentally. Her weight is in the lower percentile but the pediatrician assured me that was just fine because she was smaller when she was born (compared to other babies her age). Poor girl does have a big/normal sized head for the rest of her body (which isn't a concern by Dr in any way). It just makes it harder to get some small clothes over her head- something she absolutely hates!

Length: 22.5 (53.78 percentile)
Weight: 10.06 (10.1 was what we were told, but chart has 10.06- 26.94 percentile)
Head circumference: 15.9 (84.19 percentile)

Here she is at home before heading to the Dr. She's stylin' in her shades, shoes & jean skirt (that finally fit her)!

From Our Rainbow

Happy on the exam table, before shots:

From Our Rainbow

She saw the instruments and was determined to scoot across the table to see them:

From Our Rainbow

After the shots. :( She normally won't take a pacifier but that day she did. Poor girl!

From Our Rainbow

Two shots in the left leg:

From Our Rainbow

One shot in the right leg:

From Our Rainbow

After a bottle. She sure looks huge in this pic:

From Our Rainbow

Two Months

Rose is already two months old! She turned 2 months on 3/20/12 and life is busy so I'm just now posting. In addition to caring for Rose, I'm slowly crossing off tasks on my lengthy 'to-do' list. I really miss blogging...I often blog in my head when I don't have time to actually get on the computer. Too bad it can't be translated directly to Blogger from my mind- I would have a BOOK by now. :)

Two Months

Weight: 10.5 lbs

Length: 23 inches

Diaper Size: Size 1 (almost ready for size 2)

Clothing Size: 0-3 months (depending on the brand, some 3 months fits, some is waaay to loose)

Milestones: continues to smile, coos, recognizes my face & often follows me with her eyes when I walk past her, self-soothes using her own hand, scoots herself a couple feet when on her back, lifts neck high during tummy time

Sweet smile, looks like her daddy!

From Our Rainbow

From Our Rainbow

Self-soothing (sucking on her hand)

From Our Rainbow

Tummy time, raising her head waaay up off the floor!

From Our Rainbow

Our little Jane Fonda ;) Love the leg warmers but this girl has no fat on her little legs to hold them up! Ha! She loves to lay like this & kick her feet. Here she is with her elephant, also named Rose. She is growing & soon will dwarf this elephant friend!

From Our Rainbow

Rose

Rose's Great Grandma Morinelli gave us this card when she visited. How fitting it is, relative to our situation. I think the card says it all...

From Our Rainbow

Baby Routine

Our bedtime routine seems to be going pretty well I think.  Rose continues to sleep in her own room, in the crib.  The second night I had a bit of an emotional breakdown- the first one since bringing her home from the hospital. I literally cried myself to sleep. I was sad because it feels like everything is moving so fast. She's growing up before our eyes! Of course we want that but I feel the day I go back to work creeping up on me (mid-April) and I SO don't want to miss out on all the special moments with Rose.  Her happy play time is in the late morning and I will miss that. Tim reminded me that she will know I'm her mommy and she will still love me, etc. but I can't help but feel sad/guilt. Ugh.

She had been sleeping 5-6 hours straight and now that we routinely do bath time just before bed she no longer cries in the tub, which makes it easier on me. She normally sleeps from approx. 9:00 pm - 3:00 am then sleeps another 2-3 hours after that before I get her out of the crib & take her downstairs. Last night she shocked me because she SLEPT THROUGH THE NIGHT!!!!! A solid 8 1/2 hours in her crib! I still woke up at 3:30 am, engorged & leaking (the joys of breast feeding) but I was so glad for this achievement. I think it's safe to say Rose likes being in her crib.

The first two nights the motion sensor monitor worked great however the third night we had at least four false alarms after 3:00 am. Needless to say, I didn't sleep at all from 3:00 am on. Eventually I just turned that monitor off.  When the alarm goes off, it wakes up baby. Fortunately for us, Rose just falls right back to sleep.  We tried the monitor again the night before last but it went off again. I turned it off until we can figure out what the problem is.  We might have to stop using it altogether.  At least we have the video monitor so I can see how she's doing.

I truly believe that starting a routine this early makes a big difference- I can see it already, and hope it continues to go well. :)